Yolanda my wife of almost 19 years passed away on 14 January 2018. She had been in my life for 26 years. The cancer that took her life was aggressive and uncaring. The more damage and hurt it could bring about was how I imagined it measured its success. If this was its purpose then it had succeeded very well. Not only in the taking Yolanda’s life but in leaving a catastrophic disaster in its wake. The lives that it touched were numerous, each reacting in their own way to this loss.
Many people, all be it not really knowing what to say, would offer these words “Don’t worry time will heal”. I know that these were meant to be words of encouragement however to a soul that is completely shattered they came to me with a lot of pain. Listening to the constant ticking of the clock certainly never made me feel better or healed. If anything it just served as a reminder of how long it was since Yolanda passed away. It would also serve as a reminder of the length of time that I had become paralyzed by grief. I would manage to go through the day to day stuff just because they needed to be done but let’s be honest life without fire really isn’t life at all.
In order to deal with pain meant I needed to take action. I needed to acknowledge the pain, I needed to allow myself to seek help. I needed to seek the new me. The challenge in all of this was to be real and authentic, not to be what others expected of me. Some would say that I needed to be strong for my girls. I am so grateful that I never took that path. I believe by being honest and broken before my girls I was able to show them the power of true love.
The only part that I can attribute to time is that 14 months have passed since Yolanda moved on. Time in and of itself heals nothing, if anything it is a false allusion that if you sit and wallow around then over time healing will come.
Healing comes with action. Action however has different time frames and timing is individually unique.