Why would you even think of a title like this? Well I have spent the last week thinking about a conversation I had with the doctor on the morning of Yolanda’s last day. I asked the doctor if Yolanda was going and she gave me a knowingly nod. Trying to reason with this reality I mumbled something along the lines of “this is a part of life”. The doctor looked at me and said that no matter how you try to be philosophical about this it is never easy. She was right.
What has hit me the hardest over these last nine months is the sometimes unbearable pain at the loss of my soulmate. Yes it is true that when you are born there is only one thing that can be guaranteed and that is that you will die. No one can guarantee you happiness, love, success, wealth, health and all the other things we wish for in life.
I have come up with a simple formula regarding life based on guaranteed outcomes. Life is equal to death and therefore results in grief for those left behind. This sounds rather morbid. Are we all just waiting to experience grief. As I understand it grief is the worst possible pain there is to experience, this is based on my life experience having experienced many loses and failures. Nothing has come close to this pain.
So then I get back to my question, is life a curse? Think about it. If the one thing that results from death is our grief then surely life is a curse.
As much as I would like to agree with myself on the above statement I simply cannot.
The reason I cannot agree is that in order for me to have reached this point of grief I have to have travelled a journey of love. Of having loved Yolanda and having received absolute unconditional love from Yolanda. I feel very moved by this thought, that my grief is a result of much goodness having taken place in my life. If I were to see life as a curse then I would simply be saying that I wish I had never received such love.
So this pain that I am feeling is a result of much love. This means that I have been richly blessed in my life. I will therefore embrace this pain and be reminded that I am one of the lucky ones to have loved and been loved.